FLASH! NEW SOFTWARE PROGRAM THAT CHANGES YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR INTO A DIGITAL PHOTO SCANNER! TAKE YOUR PICTURE WHILE ON THE WEB! SEE WHAT YOU REALY LOOK LIKE TO OTHERS! NO CAMERA NEEDED! (The software and your monitor does it all! Click here for a live DEMO! LETTERS FROM ELMER A. HAMOPRATER "HOW TO OPRATE YOUR RIG" "HOW TO PUT UP AN ANTENNER" "EMERGUNCY BAKUP POWUR" By a REAL TENNESSEE HILLBILLY HAM! (Helpful hints and tips and adventures from a "ham" who lives way back in the hills of Tennessee) TAKE A DEER HUNTING LESSON from a Tennessee Ham (Using a PROFESSIONAL TENNESSEE  HUNTER ) An elderly ham driver was going down the interstate when suddenly his 2 meter rig crackled his call...Answering...he heard a fellow ham's urgent warning....."Hey Elmer, just heard on the news that there's a car going down I-40 the wrong way, please be careful"!!   Elmer replied,"Well I'll declare, it's not just one....... there's hundreds of them'!!!!!!!!! Click the button  to change this page to the CB band! Or this one! "BANDWIDTH" A HAM'S WAIST SIZE! Definition : BROADBAND \brod' band\n An instrumental musical group made up of older, rather coarse women. AC0OK WHO IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON IN THE WORLD? A HAM WITH AN IDEA, SOME WIRE.... AND A BOW AND ARROW IN HIS HAND! A HAM NAMED ELMER LIVED WITH HIS XYL NAMED SUE. WHILE AT THE QTH ONE NIGHT, SUE SUDDENLY WENT QRT. (DIED). ELMER PICKED UP THE PHONE, AND CALLED 911 AND REPORTED THAT HIS WIFE HAD JUST DIED AND COULD SOMEONE COME OVER TO PICK HER UP. THE OPERATOR ASKED FOR HIS ADDRESS AND ELMER SAID HE LIVED ON THE END OF EUCALYPTUS LANE... THE 911 OPERATOR ASKED HIM TO SPELL THAT. THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE ON THE END OF THE LINE AND THEN ELMER SAID...... "HOW ABOUT I JUST DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET AND YOU MEET ME THERE"!! "Electricity originates inside clouds. There, it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the Earth by golfers. After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called 'generators,' turns back into electricity...where it is transformed by TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is known as a "circuit"........Dave Barry Three brothers ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. He puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs and says "Was I getting in or out?" The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses. Then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old HAM  is sitting in front of his HF rig and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head, picks up the mic and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good measure. He then yells into the mic, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see.... who's at the door. "OVER" Two elderly hams had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures on the ham bands. Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name and your call.! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember them. Please tell me what they are." His friend glared at him. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared at the gray haired old man.. Finally he said, "How soon do you need to know? ----------------------------------------- An elderly ham and his XYL were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old ham back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her posterior was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old, old ham was lying in his death bed upstairs.  His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies.  As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies.  He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs.  Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his XYL slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An OM will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. An XYL will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A YL worries about the future until she gets an OM. An OM never worries about the future until he gets an XYL! A successful OM is one who makes more money than his XYL can spend. A successful YL is one who can find such a man! A ham is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, his antennas flopping in the breeze and flopping into the other lane. A YL is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the YL narrowly missed the antennas and leans out of the window and yells...PIG! The ham immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If hams would only listen! ----------------------------- One of my local ham friends called the FCC to tell them he had moved and wanted to change his address on the FCC records from Texas to Vermont. The woman at the FCC who took his call asked where Vermont was. As my Ham friend tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me what state is it in?'' AN OM IS INCOMPLETE until HE GETS AN XYL...... THEN HE IS FINISHED! Stealth mode! Turn on the attenuator.....pleeeessee! Bubba and Earl, two really dumb redneck Hams from Kentucky, were in a local Wal-Mart store looking for Ham gear. Upon not finding any, they decided to look around a bit. They stumbled upon a weekly charity raffle.   They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each learned that he had won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed and the men met back at Wal-Mart, again, looking for Ham Radio goodies. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti, but it sure is hard to solder and keep up in the air!" Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper." ------------------------------------------------------ Ray & Bubba  (Tennessee mechanical engineers and ham radio operators) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up and trying to figure out the best way to make a 20 meter stealth vertical out of it. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the flag pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman!" "We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Bubba and Ray are currently working for the federal government designing totally invisible towers for long range communications. They are experiencing great difficulty in seeing the tower sections and putting them together! ===================== I was walking past the mental hospital the other day with my trusty HT by my side, and all the patients were shouting,'13....13....13'... Could it be that they were trying to get me on CB channel 13? The fence was too high to see over, but being the typical curious ham, I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some nut case poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... ----------- Sneak Video Peak! New Mobile HF Stealth antenna commercial! By special arrangement with one of the top 3 in ham radios, we are allowed to give you a sneak peak at their NEW All BAND HF "Stealth" mobile antenna to be released for sale later this year. This page contains a behind the scenses video demonstration of it in action as they were filming the commercial! We are not allowed to disclose the mfg at this time. Click Here To Watch the Video! THE NEW "OLD GEEZER" HAM LICENSE A product of the FCC restructuring. 1. No testing required. The person is nominated by fellow hams. 2. No call sign needed. The old geezer can not remember it anyway. 3. No code; arthritis will hamper key use. Can not remember the code anyway. 4. Voice communication; AM not SSB. The old geezer still has his equipment from the 40's and 50's. 5. Limited to 1 crystal controlled frequency on 80 meters. No limit on power output. 6. Two way contacts are not needed. Just get on the air and start a monologue of complaints. 7. Hemroids, prostate, and the weather are favorite topics. When are you an "OLD GEEZER"?  Your friends [if still have some] and fellow hams will let you know. 8. The difference between an OLD FART and an OLD GEEZER? The old geezer is a lost cause. The old fart still has some cute old guy left in him. (N9JO) If you would like to tell us what you think about this page, type in your comments here ___! Recently we had a review of this page that was not very favorable! We had complaints of too many graphics, colors, animations, cluttered, too long, too many jokes, no planning, poor layout, ruff edges, bad grammer, awful "spellin" and a host of other complaints! We have decided to revamp this page and give those of you who do not like it, another version that should please you and put our Humor Page back at the top of your review list! CLICK HERE TO SEE IT! ALL NAMES, ADDRESSES, PHONE NUMBERS, EMAIL, CALL SIGNS, WEB URLS AND ANYTHING THAT CAN CONNECT A REAL PERSON WITH ANY OF THIS IS INTENTIONAL TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, THE INNOCENT AND ANYONE WHO MAY OR COULD POSSIBLY KNOW N4UJW!    ----------------------------------------------- Abbott and Costello....real hams! You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............. (Author unknown) Got any good clean ham radio related jokes, etc you would like to see here? Email them to us. n4ujw at hamuniverse.com After the best availability for official mens christmas gifts and homemade mens trench coat, you can shop the latest leopard print coat and brown girls jackets by our handpicked global community of official winter jackets. 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